I’m Fine. But Not Really. Kinder Ways To Answer “How are you?”
Have you ever noticed that even on the days you are running on empty, you still answer “I’m fine” without thinking? I do it all the time. I especially notice it when someone who I know is not fine, answers that way. It is automatic. It keeps the conversation moving, but it also keeps you disconnected from what you actually need. I’ve found that when “How are you?” is directed at me, it is usually the precursor to being asked to help with something. And that's fine. That’s my job, it’s what I love to do. But when I give an autopilot answer, I skip the chance to check in with myself and respond in a way that supports me. And I bet you do it too.
I have learned that taking just a moment to pause and notice how I am really doing changes everything. The other day I said, “I’m a little stretched and trying to stay focused. I’ll be with you shortly.” The shift was instant. I felt lighter, and the tone of the conversation changed. That’s the power of a small truth…it protects your energy, invites the right kind of connection, and keeps you from pretending you are fine when you are not.
You don’t need to share every detail. You just need honest, kind language that works in the moment. It’s a way to honor yourself. It’s self-care at its finest. Here are a few ideas you can use today, why they matter, and how to make them stick.
A few real-life answers you can borrow when someone asks, “How are you?”
At work, a quick hallway or Zoom moment
“I’m okay and a bit tight on time. I’m working on getting X done before lunch. Can we chat at 2?”
To your manager
“I’m focused today. I’ll keep you posted on progress, and I may circle back if I hit a roadblock.”
To a peer you trust
“It’s been a weird morning. I could use a five-minute pep talk after our 2 pm call if you’re free.”
When you want privacy
“Thanks for asking. I’m laying low today, and I appreciate the space to focus.”
When you want help
“I’m stuck on the first step for X. Do you have ten minutes to think it through with me?”
When you plan to reconnect
“Short answer for now. Let’s grab ten minutes at 4 so I can give you the real update.”
Use your voice. Tweak the words so they sound like you. Keep the heartbeat of each line: true, brief, useful.
Why this matters
Honesty lowers stress and gives your nervous system a break. Saying “I’m fine!” when you’re not eats energy that you need for focus and problem-solving. A small truth lets your body settle and your mind clear. Clarity sets kind boundaries, which protect your schedule without pushing people away. When I name a limit with care, I show respect for myself and for the person in front of me. As a leader, I set the tone. My answer gives permission for others to share a real check-in, and teams move faster when people tell the truth early. Clear asks bring the right support. “I need 5 minutes to gett clarification on X” gets action, where “fine” gets nothing. Over time, this builds a personal brand rooted in credibility, steadiness, and care. People learn that they can count on you for honesty and direction, and that reputation opens doors.
How to make this stick
The next time someone asks, “How are you?” take two seconds to pause before you answer. Skip the automatic “I’m fine.” Pick one small truth instead. Maybe it’s “I’m focused on one thing today,” or “I’m stretched but moving forward.” You don’t need to share the whole story, just enough to be real, protect your energy, and guide the conversation in the direction you want it to go. Practice this once today. Notice how it feels in your body and how the other person responds. That awareness will build your confidence one small step at a time.
